Illumination!

Do you believe in love, Isaacs? I do. I'm not sure if I'm afraid to admit it or that I have truly convinced myself that I do not…

I was told by a friend that I am the most guarded person that she has ever met. It might be true… I have been through some unpleasant things, to say the least…

Years ago I would do this thing, I would sit on the balcony looking at the night skies, smoking and drinking a beer. I would inhale and exhale and drink and get as drunk as I possibly can. Now, there would be the beginning, where I would start feeling tipsy, and then I would become drunk. But between these two moments existed a different place. Between each step, each breath, each heartbeat, there is a moment, outside of life, outside of words, outside of any meaning you have ever sought. There was a moment of clarity for me, where I could feel the rhythm of all the heartbeats and the steps of this world. It was like an orchestra of souls coming together, Isaacs. I would laugh and cry at the same time and this dark world of colours would be at peace in my own heart. And no one would even notice that I have dug so deep into their soul. I felt so infinite…

As you well know, I don’t drink anymore, and after I stopped I sought this feeling, this awakening, in everything I did. Last time I remember feeling it was when I lost my mind. When the world was spinning and falling apart and it became a dangerous place for the like of us, Isaacs. That world in which my friend, Daniel, died. I remember not being able to breath. I was suffocating. I thought I was dying. I remember thinking that this must be it, this is the greatest of pains a human can ever contain. I closed my eyes and then it came! That feeling! When you just let go… When you stop being a human. When you become a beat in this rhythm. When the world moves and you with it. I felt this tingling sensation in my stomach and in waves it started coming over me! I saw the world…

Since then I have not felt this feeling again... Till today.

I was sitting in the garden with a (nonalcoholic) beer, smoking a cigarette and looking and the dark skies. This thing came over me… This feeling of inspiration, realization, that I am love… That I believe in it. I have loved Daniel. I have loved you. I have loved so many people. I have an old soul that I can barely manage to handle, so I have no right to request others around me to love it. I have no right to get frustrated when they realize that they can’t.

But I can love. I have this uneasy yearning to love. And not this shitty ass “love”, fake love with all the heart signs and text. But this true muscle clenching, heart ceasing, being swept of your feet, eye tearing love! The poetry by the lake, the smiles from afar, the noticing of the small twitches in her eyes when she’s angry, when she’s sad, when she’s making plans, when she’s falling in love, when she’s feeling cocky, corky, horny, whatever!

You see this is my odyssey, this is my entire creation, this is my Sistine chapel. This is me growing bigger and stronger the farther I go. My love is my fuel. It drives me further than you will ever know. This is my dear unforgiving faith. It is it that steers through the darkness of lies, fear and flaws in the human nature. It is its stubbornness and pleads to the Will to go on. The relentless cries that echo through the pits of nothing, that show the way to what is right. It is the sun that shall forever rise and undress itself of all clouds, second per second, to reveal the luminosity of the wonder above. That firm faith that proves that you will not fall into an empty hole that never ends. That faith that leads the journey, to the conquest of the edge of love, to prove, that you will have wings to rise above and solid ground to stand on. It is my drunken bliss in a sea of sober chaos.

I can see it, Isaacs! What others can’t see, I can! I see the beauty, I walk alone. I know it. I accept it. I cry in movies. My heart gets broken when it rains and snails get stepped on. I draw my pain away. I unleash my anger when I work out. I strive! I run! I run so fast! I love! I can fucking love! In the most beautiful way, better than you can ever imagine or hope for yourself! I can love! Faster than anyone else can, I can read into your soul and see into the true depths of your heart! I can love! Even if you fail, even if you hurt, even if you let your anger take over your entire being, I will still love you because I can.

I can love! I can love so much!

I just choose not to…

Rage

Dear Isaacs,

"You have very seductive eyes" She told me.
"What ever do you mean?" I asked.
"Your eyes just scream 'I want to fuck you. You know you want it too'" She smiled and lowered her eyes.
"And do you?" I know she does. I can see it in her eyes. I don't care. This bores me.

I blame you for this, Isaacs. I was perfectly satisfied with my shallow lifestyle. I was pretty satisfied not thinking about it. What if there is more? What if I didn't lose my innocence? What if love does exist?

My logical mind and my romantic heart keep clashing. My natural instincts kick in. Do I fight or flee?
I will flee. Why, you ask? Because I do not compromise. Not even in the face of Armageddon.
I keep meeting people too much like me. Lost. Either their faith or their innocence. But lost.
There is no way for me to come out of this as less than an asshole. I am a douche. I don't want to be the one cleaning their life up. I've been doing that for far too long. I am through being a saviour. I want someone optimistic. Someone who'd remind me how it feels like to find meaning in the suffering. How it is to feel alive.

I feel stupid. I hate admitting it. Even to you. I feel like a child wishing magic would exist. Not knowing it is all but a trick. But here I am. I admit it. I believe in love. And I hate it. With all my heart. Not love itself, but me believing in it. I curse it. It has caused me nothing but pain.

Let me tell you about pain, about rage, when you wander this planet, you see things. You see things no one else sees. You look in someone's eyes and you know what's keeping them up at night. What makes them sad, happy, what they are, who they are. I don't know what they're thinking. I can only see into what is hidden inside them, what they don't see themselves.

It's ugly, Isaacs. I hate it so much. The more you see, the more you know, the less you allow yourself to feel. To the point where you can't even remember how it is like to feel. How does it feel like? I can see our future. I meet a person and I know what they will be to me. Just sex, usually. And it breaks my heart, as much as it can break a non existing notion, when you like the person that stands in front of you, but you know they are not for you.

I am tired. I look out there and I'm tired. And I know I will be tired for quite a long time. What do we do, Isaacs? What do we do when we know that we are no longer dying? What do we do when we find out that we just no longer exist?