Talking to the walls

Dear Isaacs,

I've been talking to the walls lately. More or less like I am doing right now. I've been writing these letters to you and I have not heard from you for a while. But don’t feel guilty. You are not the only one.

I sat in my room drinking a beer and just stared at the blue-green walls. I was wondering what would be simpler. To tell them how I feel or to tell the people. Eventually the result would be the same.
People assume they know you head to toe. They know how you feel, what you think. Am I easy to read, Isaacs? Can she really know what I feel for her?

I'll be honest, I was never good with words. I was never the first one to say "I love you". I was only able to say it when I didn't. And when I did, the words just didn't fly out of my mouth. They just hid there behind my teeth, fearing that if they come out, it all becomes real. And then? Then the pain begins.

I'm not saying my pain. Probably hers. Or mine. I have no clue, Isaacs. I spoke to Halo a couple of days ago. She told me she never understood why I broke up with her. Seeing that question, from my first love, I thought of letting her know that I'm a cunt. That she should have known better. But I just told her that she was simply not the one.

I always thought of myself as a simple person. All you need to do is just love me and I will love you back. That's not true. I should have warned her that I was a hypocrite. That I wanted things in her that she couldn't give. That I'm no good in communication. That I would never tell her what's going on with me and hope she will read my mind. That unless she asks me an exact question, I will never give her an exact answer. I need patience and to be taught how to show what is in my heart.

But to stand there and tell me that I don't care enough? To tell me that I am not to be trusted with a heart? To just disappear from my life as if I am nothing? Never speak a word on why? I'm a hypocrite, I am. But God damn, so are YOU! I have been called a lot of things in my life. But I try. I never walk out. I never give up. I try to push as hard as I can until it starts to hurt. Until there is not more force in me.  I have done horrible things.

But I have never broken a heart on purpose.