Barking Up The Wrong Tree

Oh, Isaacs...

I truly believe that you are. Barking up the wrong tree, that is. I have long forgotten about my heart. Having something so far away from you makes the recollection blurry. I've spent months and months of using my anger to ameliorate my soul to compensate the lack of my heart. Yes, I am heartless. But not in the way Brothers Grimm stories would describe it. I am not mean or evil. I do good deeds. But not out of the kindness of my heart. But from my soul that honours the knowing of that gentle thing that once inhabited my chest.

For weeks now I have worked my flesh to the bone. Pushing and pulling. Lifting and dropping. Just to avoid feeling anything but the ripping of my flesh. And the healing of it. Millions and millions of cells regrouping, regenerating. Emerging bigger and stronger. Becoming an epitome of what a human should be.

I used to believe, maybe I still do, that one day there would come a person who would amend that. Who had travelled barefoot through the deserts of the scolding sun and would stumble across my long lost heart just to wonder who it belongs to, and would bring it back to its rightful resting place. I might have met this person. They might have tried to put it back and I wouldn't let them. Or they might have never existed to begin with. I cannot truly believe someone would dare to make this kind of journey.

But if you wish for my counsel, I shall tell you this:
The way to let someone in, to find a place for them in your heart, is to just do it.
We all live in this cage of bones surrounded by flesh and skin. An unpleasant sight to behold. We are pretty disturbing creatures, we are. But know that no one holds a key to your heart. It is a lockless cage. Opening it is quite a task. You need to remove you sternum first, that is the beginning. Then you need to break the costal cartilages. Let them crumble. Your ribs will follow suite. They will fall like figs to your feet. Then, when the deed is done, she will find it. You wont need to point it out for her. She will find a place in your heart herself. She will build a bonfire in your chest and let you feel that the sun is warm and gives life, not just burning.

So just do it, Isaacs. She will find a way in herself. All you need to do is believe her when she says she will.

No Place

Stacy, 

Save me, please. I think I've forgotten how to love. I'm consumed by apathy, I feel so... numb. It's not often I undergo the painful process of self reflection, it is much easier to judge everything else in this universe then one self. I'm really sorry for this self centered letter; but my soul is troubled and I really need your council.   

It's now three years since I was in a meaningful relationship. Three years since I let someone in. At first I was just picky; I wanted it to be special, I wanted to pick right, we ain't kid's anymore and in my set of sexual orientations serious relationships create baby's; I wanted to get it right. You know my soul, its hurtfully romantic, I wanted it to be glorious, to have the kind of love the movies try unsuccessfully to copy. But slowly I kind of forgot how to. 

There was -  is - was, is a huge place in my heart for another special person, a confusingly large space much larger then what defines me; it feels like slowly but surely it shrank and shrank without me noticing until one day I woke up and there is no place at all. 

We lie to ourselves - say they don't understand us, say they aren't umm enough, there's always something wrong. But in all honesty I don't know how to let them in! I realize that now, but know not how to fix it. 

She radiates goodness; It's like her soul has a glowing aura, it feels like she's the epitome of kindness. She's beautiful; STUNNING actually, and smart and nice. She lights up rooms,  She brakes my heart just by being there, and makes it race when we look at each other or exchange casual sentences. Stacy I tell you - she's amazing.

I caught a fancy for this girl who's taking a course with me lately and now I realized I have no place in my heart - because no matter how much my dark mind tried it found no obvious fault and then it hit me - I no longer know how to deal with a girl I actually want or respect; I don't know how to hit on her, we speech, we smile and...I don't know how to let her in. I don't have that place any more, I don't have place for new friends either in all honesty.  Every single time I got laid recently it was either essentially based on a lie or more commonly a curtuess continuation of dancing (we danced --> I'm a hot dancer --> we carried on dancing --> she clang --> came home --> there was no polite way not to have sex) I LOVE dancing relationships, but non turned out to eventually be serious. It sounds like I live your old old life, it isn't true, I don't much like loveless sex, don't engage in it often, I try to avoid it (I told some tourist I'm gay and just offered her a place for the night sorry about the misunderstanding the other day chat me up for details, it was an epic getaway)

But Stacy - THERE IS NO PLACE IN MY HEART. I mean there is, I know there is, but I can't find it. I'm sitting here searching and I just can't find it. I can't imagine another person as a meaningful part of my life. Something dear to me is slipping away, and I don't know how to save it, really I don't. I need to find the place in my heart, and I'd like it very much to happen before it's too late for this one girl. 

Please, 

Happy Birthday?

Dear Isaacs,

We’re here again. It has been one more year. I'm now exactly 23 years old. I don’t want to whine about my age, it’s not the number that bothers me. Well Sort of…

Let me begin by explaining that in the last few days I have found myself trying to explain different aspects of my life to people. The experience has left me without words. Literally. I kept trying and trying to explain the reason behind my actions and failed over and over again. It was like I live in my own different country with its own language and everything makes sense. To me that is, but not to outsiders. I am deeply frustrated by this, so you must excuse me, my dearest Isaacs, but I wish to use my own words here. And if you find that you fail to understand me as well, please do me the kindness of not mentioning it.

As I was saying, it is not the number itself, it is what stands behind it. The amount of experiences and feelings. It is the love… ah! The love! I have been walking around trying to understand love. I have asked most of the people in my day to day life, what is that thing that they call love. Some said it is compromise, some said it was hard work, others said it is chance. It seemed funny to me. It seemed they have mistaken the word “love” with “relationship”. Needless to say I was baffled. It was one thing that one of them said. Kelly, Rodrigo’s fair half, that told me the heartbreaking truth when I asked her if she believes in that one true love. She said she does, that it’s possible to meet your other half. But that we usually just fuck it up. I felt terrified. If it is meant to be, how is it that we can break it? How can one break fate, Isaacs?

I'm trying to figure out what I have learned in these 23 years of life… I don’t know. I have met so many people. I have been a good person. I have been a horrible person. I did drugs and drank, and then I stopped. I used to be scared but then I also used to believe I was the hero. I have met people. Beautiful people. And I saw them die. Taken away for no reason but the whim of evolution. I have known people so beautiful whose innocence has been taken away from them by people so evil.
I’ll be honest to you, Isaacs, I am soon to lose someone I love. I don’t really know how to deal with it. Mainly because I don’t know what to do about it. Did you ever feel it is time to let go and let life and fate take its course, and yet you can’t? You can’t accept that the ending of the story is such a horrible one? How does one decide to let go of someone he love so dearly? More than life itself… I have a feeling it will bring the end of me. I don’t think I will be able to bounce back from this one.

This world is confusing. I find the people in it terribly confusing. Myself included, Isaacs. I have seen people lie and cheat, fuck other people up just for shits a giggles. I'm really starting to hate this world. I'm starting to feel sorry for myself for feeling hate. It’s not about the past any more I guess. The past is something I have left behind me when I left the country. Yet people forget how hard it is. What I'm trying to say is that I'm not trying to pity myself, because I chose this. And I am not going back. But it is hard. Starting over that is. Leaving everything you have ever known behind and trying to start over. People forget that when they look at you. All they see is a lonely girl. And I am. It is lonely here. And cold. And harshly ruthless. But I am trying. I really am trying.

What I am trying say to you here, Isaacs, is that it is not I who speak a foreign language, but everyone else. It is not the world that doesn't understand me. It is I who doesn't understand the world. I used to think it was something else. It is just not what I expected. I don’t know if any of this makes any sense. It’s late and I'm tired. In a few minutes it will be midnight and I will be born. And it will be another year and I am still confused. But I'm trying. I really am trying to understand. And if not to understand than at least to love. But it’s hard, Isaacs. It really is hard. But I'm not giving up. I'm still trying…