No Place

Stacy, 

Save me, please. I think I've forgotten how to love. I'm consumed by apathy, I feel so... numb. It's not often I undergo the painful process of self reflection, it is much easier to judge everything else in this universe then one self. I'm really sorry for this self centered letter; but my soul is troubled and I really need your council.   

It's now three years since I was in a meaningful relationship. Three years since I let someone in. At first I was just picky; I wanted it to be special, I wanted to pick right, we ain't kid's anymore and in my set of sexual orientations serious relationships create baby's; I wanted to get it right. You know my soul, its hurtfully romantic, I wanted it to be glorious, to have the kind of love the movies try unsuccessfully to copy. But slowly I kind of forgot how to. 

There was -  is - was, is a huge place in my heart for another special person, a confusingly large space much larger then what defines me; it feels like slowly but surely it shrank and shrank without me noticing until one day I woke up and there is no place at all. 

We lie to ourselves - say they don't understand us, say they aren't umm enough, there's always something wrong. But in all honesty I don't know how to let them in! I realize that now, but know not how to fix it. 

She radiates goodness; It's like her soul has a glowing aura, it feels like she's the epitome of kindness. She's beautiful; STUNNING actually, and smart and nice. She lights up rooms,  She brakes my heart just by being there, and makes it race when we look at each other or exchange casual sentences. Stacy I tell you - she's amazing.

I caught a fancy for this girl who's taking a course with me lately and now I realized I have no place in my heart - because no matter how much my dark mind tried it found no obvious fault and then it hit me - I no longer know how to deal with a girl I actually want or respect; I don't know how to hit on her, we speech, we smile and...I don't know how to let her in. I don't have that place any more, I don't have place for new friends either in all honesty.  Every single time I got laid recently it was either essentially based on a lie or more commonly a curtuess continuation of dancing (we danced --> I'm a hot dancer --> we carried on dancing --> she clang --> came home --> there was no polite way not to have sex) I LOVE dancing relationships, but non turned out to eventually be serious. It sounds like I live your old old life, it isn't true, I don't much like loveless sex, don't engage in it often, I try to avoid it (I told some tourist I'm gay and just offered her a place for the night sorry about the misunderstanding the other day chat me up for details, it was an epic getaway)

But Stacy - THERE IS NO PLACE IN MY HEART. I mean there is, I know there is, but I can't find it. I'm sitting here searching and I just can't find it. I can't imagine another person as a meaningful part of my life. Something dear to me is slipping away, and I don't know how to save it, really I don't. I need to find the place in my heart, and I'd like it very much to happen before it's too late for this one girl. 

Please,