Dear Isaacs,
We’re here again. It has been one more year. I'm now exactly 23 years old. I don’t want to whine about my age, it’s not the number that bothers me. Well Sort of…
Let me begin by explaining that in the last few days I have found myself trying to explain different aspects of my life to people. The experience has left me without words. Literally. I kept trying and trying to explain the reason behind my actions and failed over and over again. It was like I live in my own different country with its own language and everything makes sense. To me that is, but not to outsiders. I am deeply frustrated by this, so you must excuse me, my dearest Isaacs, but I wish to use my own words here. And if you find that you fail to understand me as well, please do me the kindness of not mentioning it.
As I was saying, it is not the number itself, it is what stands behind it. The amount of experiences and feelings. It is the love… ah! The love! I have been walking around trying to understand love. I have asked most of the people in my day to day life, what is that thing that they call love. Some said it is compromise, some said it was hard work, others said it is chance. It seemed funny to me. It seemed they have mistaken the word “love” with “relationship”. Needless to say I was baffled. It was one thing that one of them said. Kelly, Rodrigo’s fair half, that told me the heartbreaking truth when I asked her if she believes in that one true love. She said she does, that it’s possible to meet your other half. But that we usually just fuck it up. I felt terrified. If it is meant to be, how is it that we can break it? How can one break fate, Isaacs?
I'm trying to figure out what I have learned in these 23 years of life… I don’t know. I have met so many people. I have been a good person. I have been a horrible person. I did drugs and drank, and then I stopped. I used to be scared but then I also used to believe I was the hero. I have met people. Beautiful people. And I saw them die. Taken away for no reason but the whim of evolution. I have known people so beautiful whose innocence has been taken away from them by people so evil.
I’ll be honest to you, Isaacs, I am soon to lose someone I love. I don’t really know how to deal with it. Mainly because I don’t know what to do about it. Did you ever feel it is time to let go and let life and fate take its course, and yet you can’t? You can’t accept that the ending of the story is such a horrible one? How does one decide to let go of someone he love so dearly? More than life itself… I have a feeling it will bring the end of me. I don’t think I will be able to bounce back from this one.
This world is confusing. I find the people in it terribly confusing. Myself included, Isaacs. I have seen people lie and cheat, fuck other people up just for shits a giggles. I'm really starting to hate this world. I'm starting to feel sorry for myself for feeling hate. It’s not about the past any more I guess. The past is something I have left behind me when I left the country. Yet people forget how hard it is. What I'm trying to say is that I'm not trying to pity myself, because I chose this. And I am not going back. But it is hard. Starting over that is. Leaving everything you have ever known behind and trying to start over. People forget that when they look at you. All they see is a lonely girl. And I am. It is lonely here. And cold. And harshly ruthless. But I am trying. I really am trying.
What I am trying say to you here, Isaacs, is that it is not I who speak a foreign language, but everyone else. It is not the world that doesn't understand me. It is I who doesn't understand the world. I used to think it was something else. It is just not what I expected. I don’t know if any of this makes any sense. It’s late and I'm tired. In a few minutes it will be midnight and I will be born. And it will be another year and I am still confused. But I'm trying. I really am trying to understand. And if not to understand than at least to love. But it’s hard, Isaacs. It really is hard. But I'm not giving up. I'm still trying…
Sorry I went under for a while. truly.
ReplyDeleteI understand. Not really; I mean I can't understand your experience, but I can understand your words.
Do you not understand the world? Does the world not understand you? is there a difference?
I don't think you don't understand the world - I think you are just much more aware of it. I loved spending time with you because it was like 1000 things happening - it's rare people notice stuff I don't; like RARE. But with you - it's 10 times a minute. It's SO EASY to float ideally through life ignoring 99% of it. MOST OF US DO, I DO; You don't. It leaves life to intensive, too full for mere mortals to deal with; denial, that sense you hardly own, is used in much greater scope then one would believe.
Which brings me to the whole 1 person second-half bla bla stuff. I don't buy it. I don't think it's true. Hoping to achieve the full scope of emotions with one relationship is like putting those things they put on horses eyes so they can only look in one direction - it's focusing and makes life easy, but you miss the scenery.
Relationships, loving sensual sexual relationship are great. And love is awesome, I have every intention of one day marrying someone I love and staying together, sexually, forever. But one can never hope to live his full scope of emotions and reality with one person. I think the less emotionally developed you are - the more prone you are to a catholic marriage kind of relationship, not the opposite.
I'm the last of the die hard romantics, but life is complex, we are complex, we live in a complex society and environment, evolution is complex - I just don't think things are that simple.
I don't think you can pack all this world has to offer in one person, one prism. I don't buy it. Fate my arse; Fate is the excuse losers use for not shaping their life the way they wanted it to be.